This is literally me after the marathon day I had. Thinking is way too hard and seriously not happening tonight. So instead of writing, I’m gonna ask you guys for ideas. If there’s anything you’d like me to write about, let me know. If I get a good suggestion, I’ll write about it on Friday. Or a hilarious suggestion. Or a really frickin crazy suggestion. So be creative. Ask box me (anon always on) or leave a topic here. Now I have to put a question at the end so the stupid answer box will pop up. What’s something you’d like me to write about?
Perfect Dates For Introverts
Introverts LOVE this. Look at all the introverts. Look at em. Loving their parks.
We’re moving on up, guys. Introverts seem to be the newest craze. People are trying to understand us at a more rapid rate than ever. Everywhere I turn, there’s a new book or study coming out about the importance of introverts. (Side note: if you haven’t read Quiet by Susan Cain, go read right now. Highly recommended.) How stoked are we? Maybe one day in the foreseeable future, people will stop automatically labeling us as SHY and instead call us introverts. GREAT SUCCESS.
So the world is realizing that introverts are not scared of people or parties or socializing. We love socializing; we just need alone time after we socialize to reboot. But we can get overwhelmed and overstimulated in large, noisy crowds. When we’re overstimulated, it’s hard to focus on something…like, say, our date. If you’re going out with an introvert, you may want to plan a date that caters more to what they like and feel comfortable with. Here are some easy swaps that introverts will love.
Instead of the newest highly rated restaurant (usually huge and noisy), try a smaller wine or tapas bar. Smaller restaurants are great for introverts because of the simple fact that they have less people in them. They tend to be quieter, which also increases the romance and intimacy factor. Need I say more?
Instead of a crowded theater, try a walk in the park. If you haven’t been dating long, make sure to take that walk during daylight hours. Nothing spells creepy like a nighttime stroll in an empty park. We’ve all seen Law and Order: SVU, okay? Plays and movies are great for entertainment, but all the people can make it a stressful night. Instead, opt for a quieter day in the park. Bonus: You’ll actually get to know each other by walking in the park, as opposed to the typical “no conversation for 3 hours then go somewhere to talk about it later” theater date.
Instead of an amusement park, try miniature golfing or ice skating. Nothing screams cute date like a day at Disneyland with your honey, but it’s also one of the most crowded places on earth. Happiest, yes. Crowdedest, definitely. You can still bring out your inner child by mini golfing or ice skating in a much smaller venue, where an introvert might feel less overwhelmed. And hey, go ahead and sing some Disney songs while you skate.
Instead of a bar, try a library. This may be a strange comparison, but I put them together because in my opinion, they can both be pretty boring places unless utilized correctly. How many nights have you spent drooling into your beer at a bar and wondering why you were there? Exactly. Introverts love quiet places, so a library is a perfect place to hang out, especially if you both love reading. Read each other’s favorite books. Spend a few afternoons huddled together in a corner of the library debating who’s favorite book is better. It’s like 17th century romance. Bitches love 17th century romance.
Q: messed up big time! everyone bitches about people on twitter... but i guess something i said about someone got leaked and she started following me. do i hide from it or tell her it's my damn opinion?
If she gets upset, you can apologize for hurting her feelings. But I don’t believe anyone should apologize for having an opinion. It’s your opinion…opinions are not facts. Somehow everyone seems to forget that. So, you own that shit.
How to Have More Confidence
Someone should find a way to bottle confidence and sell it. Talk about a billion dollar idea. We all want to feel more confident, to be able to walk down a hallway like it’s a runway and we’re smizing with our eyes like Tyra taught us. Life requires confidence on the daily. Cause you know what? Life is damn hard. We need confidence to take risks and improve our lives, but we also need confidence to get out of bed every day and take on our faulty appliances that never work when we need them and that guy at the grocery store who always stares too long at our purchases. Confidence is what allows us to say, “Hey you know what, day? BRING IT. I WILL OWN YOU.”
Without confidence, life is bleak. It’s like the Hunger Games without the (sort of?) happy ending. So strap on your learning hat cause I’m gonna teach you simple ways to have more confidence. This is no 12-step program for 3 easy payments of $19.99. This is more of a cheaters guide to confidence. Cause we all know you’re too busy for that 12-step stuff. Until confidence comes more naturally to you, here are some good tips.
Fake it til you make it. The easiest way to have more confidence is just to fake it. If you’re an actor and you’re already good at faking feelings, congrats! You’re one step ahead of the rest of us. Basically, envision in your head something that would make you feel more confident. Then pretend you’ve got that thing. You’re the best teacher to ever live. You’re an award-winning novelist. You travel for a living with your amazing husband and 3 perfect children. Think about how that shit would make you feel. Allow it to wash over you before you go out into the world.
Surround yourself with compliments. The energy around you matters, and positivity goes a long way. When you’re having a bad day and feeling down, write a bunch of notes complimenting yourself and stick them everywhere. Put them in your car, on your computer, in your bathroom, anywhere you look on a regular basis. If you need to, pretend that a friend or family member is giving you these compliments. Though there’s nothing wrong with complimenting yourself. You should compliment yourself more often.
Forget about your past. Sometimes we don’t realize how much past experiences can bring our confidence levels down. If you’re constantly ruminating on times you failed in the past, stop it. We’ve all had sucky bad experiences. Don’t beat yourself up for them. Letting go of your past is a long process, so short hand it by ignoring your past completely. Pretend like it never happened. Focusing on the present will make you a lot happier anyway. The past doesn’t exist. POOF.
Work on your posture. This may seem silly, but it’s similar to the first tip. By walking, standing and sitting with confidence, you’ll feel more confident. You’ve seen people walk past you with their eyes looking down and their shoulders hunched. What vibe do you get when you see someone like that? Keep your head high, make eye contact with people when you walk past them, stand up straight, and don’t be afraid to put a little smile on your face. You’d be shocked how well people respond to someone who walks and stands with confidence.
Easy peasy, right? Now you’re ready to conquer the world.
How to Be Original
Somebody thought THESE were original.
We are all unique snowflakes. We are special and different, at least that’s what our parents told us. We don’t like structure or trends or popular music because they’re so passé and too many other people like them. We go against the grain…just like everybody else.
Have you ever noticed that almost everyone tries to be original? Punks tried to be original and hate the government, so they called themselves anarchists. What were anarchists? A structured group with a set of values and rules, just like the government. They turned themselves into what they hated. Isn’t it ironic? (Dontcha think.) If you’ve realized this and feel less original now that everybody loves your favorite obscure DJ and your thrift store is overrun by teeny bopper Macklemore wannabes, here’s a guide on how to be MORE original than everybody else.
Clothes: You could always go to the fabric store and make your own clothes, but who has time for that? Instead, buy clothing items and wear them entirely wrong. Wear your turtleneck on your legs. Turn that scarf into a bra. Wear mittens on your feet. People think those toe running shoes are cool…you won’t look any stupider than them.
Music: All music that used to be underground is now cool. Bummer for you. Pretty much any band that exists has at least two fans, so you can’t like any of them if you want to be original. Here’s what you do. Invent a music genre that doesn’t exist. That way, when people ask you what you listen to, they’ll be SO confused when you tell them. Ok, here’s how you invent a genre. Take one genre of music that isn’t popular at all. Polka, for instance. Then, combine that with a genre that used to be popular but is no longer, like grunge. What music do you like? Grunge polka. WHUT. MIND BLOWN.
Religion: Invent your own. Because all religions are too similar to ever be original, none of them will work. And since you’re original, you don’t want your religion to sound appealing and gain followers, so make it really stupid. You worship a leaf every 15th Tuesday of the year and burn sacrificial graham crackers while chanting “AAAOOOOOGAH” sixteen times at 4:37pm every night. Except you can’t use that example because I wrote it down just now and is therefore no longer original.
Philosophy of life: All philosophies believe in something. Believing in something is so not original. Believing in nothing is ALSO already taken. It’s called existentialism and it’s stupid. So you’re kind of screwed here. Invent something that doesn’t exist and then believe in that. Everything else is already taken.
See, it’s not that hard to be original. It just takes a lot of extra effort to make sure that nobody will ever say “ME TOO!” when you tell them what you like. If you follow these steps and increase your originality, you may get to a point where nobody in your life understands you. That’s how you know you’re on the right track. Pretty soon, you’ll be all alone in your originalness…the most original person on the face of the planet. Cooler than anybody else. Ahhhhhh. Take it in.
Just Because You’re Lonely Doesn’t Mean You’re Alone
Loneliness is one of the hardest feelings to shake sometimes. When you’re lonely, you enter a downward spiral of searching for evidence of how alone you are and ignoring anything that doesn’t make you feel crappier about your life. Got a raise at work? Eh, everyone there hates you anyway…you guess you’ll probably be fired soon. Someone compliments your hair? They didn’t mean it. Every experience turns into a negative one. And it all makes you feel more and more lonely.
A lot of people mix up feeling lonely with being alone. Probably because feeling lonely makes you FEEL like you’re alone. But these are in fact two completely different phenomenons. Loneliness is a feeling we all get sometimes. You could be at a party and feel lonely. It has nothing to do with how many people are around. You feel like you’re missing something, whether it’s somebody that really listens to you or somebody from your past that you don’t talk to anymore, and it makes you feel incomplete.
Being alone, on the other hand, means you’re isolated. No human contact. No one to call or text. No person to care about you. Hardly anyone on this planet is alone. I’ve known people who have no living family members…imagine that for a second. But even those people weren’t alone. They had friends, neighbors, acquaintances. They weren’t alone. So unless you’re living in an igloo on the North Pole without a computer or phone, you’re never alone. Even if the only contact you had today was the person who rang up your groceries asking how your day was, that’s something. That means you’re not alone.
The key to fighting loneliness is to appreciate the small encounters in your day. Let go of the whole “everyone should have a huge group of friends and be invited to multiple parties every week because life is a TV show!” notion. Even if you only have one friend and she doesn’t even live in your area, that’s someone who cares about you. That means you’re not alone. Even if you’ve only got your mom or one brother or a distant cousin, that’s someone. That’s important.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to these people when you’re feeling lonely. Don’t wait for a phone call from them. Be assertive and tell them you’re feeling lonely. Make plans. Skype. Give them a hug. It’ll make you feel much less lonely.
Honey, He is NEVER Leaving His Wife For You
Today, we’re here to talk about individuals who date married men. I wasn’t sure this was actually a thing that happened outside of Hollywood and Washington, D.C., until a friend told me one of her friends was dating a married man. I was like, “Oh which politician is it?” And she was like, “Oh he’s not a politician.” And I was like, “Say WHAAAAT?” Guy wasn’t a celebrity, not even a reality TV star. He wasn’t rich either. I was so confused, I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. One word kept repeating in my head. WHY?
There is honestly not one single good reason for dating a married man. No way all the single men in your area are taken. No way he’s the only man you could get. Even if you believe that this married guy is your one true soul mate and he married the wrong person, you still do not need to date him while he’s married. Soul mates are forever, right? That means you can wait a year or two until his current relationship is officially over to start a new one.
In fact, I’m going to make a bold statement because you may be thinking, “But what if he’s currently going through a divorce or he and his wife are separated?” Honey sweetheart darling, going through a divorce is not the same as BEING divorced. Until those contracts are legal and binding, he’s married. One man’s idea of going through a divorce could mean they’ve both lawyered up and are settling the terms. Another man’s idea of going through a divorce could mean they’ve discussed possibly divorcing sometime. Or he’s decided in his mind that he’s not committed to his marriage anymore. Without telling his wife.
I know some people think of marriage as an antiquated tradition, and it’s not for everybody. That’s okay. Even if you don’t believe in marriage for yourself, you should at least be able to respect the commitment somebody else made. Your man (if you can call him that) is already committed to another woman. Why would you want that for yourself? You shouldn’t be playing second string to anybody in your relationship. You should be the queen of your own damn castle. Now go find somebody who will make that happen.
As for those darling people who are dating a married man who isn’t currently going through a separation/divorce but has told them he will…Honey. He is NEVER. Leaving. His wife. For you. Period. Let it go.
Stop Stalking Your Exes On The Internet
HALT. Move your finger. Away. From the trackpad.
Here’s a good reminder at the start of your weekend. Before you get comfy in your PJs and slippers with a nightcap (or 4) and begin the nightly routine of pulling up your ex’s Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, secret Tumblr that requires a password, Xanga from 7 years ago, livejournal that he thinks you don’t know about, and LinkedIn page (before you realize that he can see you’re looking at that SHIT SHIT SHIT CLOSE), take your hand away from the mouse/trackpad and think about what you’re doing. What good are you getting out of stalking your ex online?
I’m not coming from a higher moral ground here. I’ve done plenty of stalking. I’ve even stalked people for OTHER people. So I’m here, telling you as someone who has stalked exes, to not stalk your exes. I know why you do it. You’re looking for some sort of confirmation that he’s worse off without you, that he maybe developed some semi-serious kidney infection, or fell in love with a cute little kitten that ended up running away because he didn’t take care of it. You want to know that his new significant other is uglier than you. You also sort of want him to lose his job because of incompetency. Sort of.
Then, what happens when you DO stalk your ex? He looks exactly the same, healthy and kitten-less, and he still has his job. His new significant other isn’t entirely unfortunate looking (though she could use a good manicure), and you’re left wondering why karma hasn’t bitten his ass yet. Then, you tell your friends what you found and you all sit around talking about what horrible things could still happen to him in the future. They reassure you that you were right for breaking up and you could do better. Rinse repeat. It’s a vicious cycle, guys!
Instead, I say let’s skip all that. Don’t stalk your ex. Wish ill upon him in your mind or your journal, whatever it takes to make you feel better. But don’t go looking for confirmation that he’s doing badly because you won’t find it. Most people only post the good stuff that happens to them online anyway! He’s not going to write, “Man I’m depressed. I miss my ex so much, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.” He will never post that. So just think it in your mind. That way, you won’t have to see anything contradictory and feel like you were wrong for breaking up. You weren’t. Breakups always happen for a reason.
Besides, if you’re focusing on what your ex is doing, you’ll never move on. Go stalk a new love interest instead!
Happy Halloween, internet darlings! Because I am old and lame, my only recurring Halloween plans include watching the Nightmare Before Christmas, being excited to put up my new Fall wreath tomorrow, and silently sobbing into my candy corn wondering where my misspent youth days went. At least until my husband comes home.